2013 | Color | 15 min.
Starring: Skin Diamond and Anthony Rosano
Directed By: Lee Roy Myers
Just a quick word of warning: If you are in any way offended by human sexuality, the idea of it being captured on film, or if you are just horrified by the idea of beloved cartoon characters performing various unwholesome acts upon one another, you should probably avoid the following article. I admit I am stretching the definition of “bad movies” just a bit with this title, and I usually like to stay PG-13 around here, but after viewing this short, I simply have to write something about it before my brain explodes.
Keep in mind, there will be no explicit pictures, links to explicit material, or explicitly-vulgar language of any kind. Yes, I will be mentioning certain sexual acts, but such acts will be referred to euphemistically whenever possible. That said, reader discretion is still very much advised.
In other words, Mom, you should probably stop reading this right now.
Parody has always been something of a tradition in the porn industry, and it is fairly easy to see why. Honestly, who can’t instantly come up with their own silly, X-rated version of a popular film title? (Shaving Private Ryan, Forrest Hump, Pacific Rimjob…) While this concept is certainly nothing new, it seems to be more popular than ever nowadays, with major studios releasing titles spoofing everything from big-budget superhero flicks, to popular sitcoms like Seinfeld, The Big Bang Theory (how could they not go after that one?) and The Brady Bunch. In fact, according to industry sources (and if you can’t trust the porn industry, who can you trust?), these parody titles far outsell any other genre of erotica on the market today. Yes, apparently some people still pay for porn.
As an unrepentant capitalist, I fully understand the industry’s need to go after the most profitable market, especially with the rise of the free streaming “tube site” steadily whittling their profit margin ever smaller by the day. While there obviously appears to be a market for these parodies, I’m quite certain the world in general, and myself in particular, would have been perfectly content without a XXX parody of SpongeBob SquarePants.
Now I have nothing against the porn industry (or at least, I didn’t used to…), and frankly as a single, adult male with internet access, I am more familiar with it than I should probably admit. It has been said that there are two types of men in this world: those who admit to watching porn, and liars. As for me, well, suffice it to say I believe lying is wrong. That said, as with any other entertainment medium, you tend to develop favorites over time. Since I have always had a thing for girls who have a look that is, shall we say, just a little off the norm, I was immediately drawn to a performer by the name of Skin Diamond.
Now, despite saddling herself with what is quite possibly the worst stage name in the history of American pornography (and that is really saying something in an industry that has given us such gems as Flick Shagwell, Wendi Whoppers, and Seymour Butts.), I love Skin Diamond. Whatever the reason; her piercing brown eyes, her crooked little smile, her exotic looks, or just the fact that she is simply a stunning woman to behold—I am mesmerized by her. Truth be told, I don’t care what supposedly-depraved things she has done, with whom she has done them, or how many times it’s been on film—given the opportunity, I would marry that girl right now, move to the middle of nowhere, grow old and have many beautiful, caramel-colored babies with her.
This declaration of my undying love for her notwithstanding, it is likely going to take many years of intense therapy to undo the mental damage I received from watching the lovely Ms. Diamond (as Sandy Cheeks) do unspeakable things to SpongeBob SquarePants.
Taking the “this is as clever as we get in porn” title of SpongeKnob SquareNuts—likely to avoid getting their own square nuts sued off by the fine folks at Nickelodeon—this bizarre parody features a lonely SpongeKnob trying to convince Sandy to have his “sponge baby.” Of course, Sandy is concerned about committing the act since she, being a squirrel and all, can’t breathe underwater. SpongeKnob convinces her that everything will be fine because he is a sponge, and therefore full of air (Don’t look at me, I didn’t write this). SpongeKnob reassures her that if she needs air, all she has to do is keep her mouth, well, I think you can probably guess where this is headed…
After ten minutes or so of screen time that is certain to inappropriately rub the swimsuit area of the childhood of anyone who grew up watching the adventures of the relentlessly-chipper little sponge (I was in my late teens when the first episode of SpongeBob SquarePants aired, so viewing this only molested my young adulthood.) the scene ends. Thankfully, most of the skin we see belongs to Ms. Diamond. In a small act of mercy from the producers (or more likely, budgetary restraints), SpongeKnob keeps his famous square pants on, sparing the viewer from the further horror of seeing his titular “SquareNuts,” or “cube-icles,” if you will (and I fully understand if you won’t).
As a piece of erotica, this parody certainly doesn’t arouse much of anything in me, other than stunned disbelief. Actually the phrase, “cannot be unseen,” comes to mind. And on a more important note, how do you do a X-rated parody of SpongeBob SquarePants and fail to include the aptly named, Mrs. Puff? I suppose I should quit complaining and just be content with the fact that we were all spared a hentai-style, tentacle-themed nightmare involving Squidward. You know, I think I’d better stop right now before I give anyone any ideas.
To be fair, there is one moment between Sandy and SpongeKnob which almost redeems this entire production. Right after SpongeKnob manages to convince Sandy to, uh, “ride the yellow submarine,” the two characters have the following exchange:
Sandy: “Well, alrighty then. Let’s ‘get-r-done!”
(Both laugh hysterically)
SpongeKnob: “Ha ha ha! You said that thing that unfunny comedian says.”
While that line may be pure gold, it does little to change the fact that ten minutes later, this happens:
Reviewed By Derek “Until I Need Glasses” Miller
Posted July 26, 2013
Additional Screenshots (Click an image to view full-size)
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