1994 | Color | 86min
Starring: Clay Rogers, Michael Bon, Sharon Twomey, Loren De Palma, and Ann Wolf.
Directed By: Massimiliano Cerchi (credited as Al Passeri)
The name of this site has resulted in several unexpected annoyances for me over the past few years. From the moment I settled on the title, I have struggled with the fact that while some movies definitely belong here, I hesitate to include them on a site called, “BadMovieRealm.com.” For example, I am reluctant to review films like Gojira and Night of the Living Dead because, while these movies certainly fit the standard cult/sci-fi/fantasy requirements for this site, they aren’t really “bad” movies at all. I wouldn’t want to give visitors the impression that I consider movies such as these to be equal in merit to a film like say, Eegah. To prevent this type of misunderstanding, I have generally shied away from that kind of film completely.
I have no such reservations about Creatures From the Abyss…
Creatures From the Abyss tells the story of five idiots who, while out enjoying a day at the beach, inadvertently stumble upon an abandoned research ship. Once on board, the gang discovers that the crew of scientists who had once called the ship home had been conducting experiments on radioactive marine life. Of course the fish, being radioactive and all, have mutated into unstoppable killing machines and are now on a mission to kill our five intrepid morons.
The less said about our aforementioned “heroes,” every one of whom I hate very, very much, the better. While I dislike them all immensely, I have an unhealthy level of disdain for the immature, dim-witted, horn-dog of the group named Bobby. After spending an hour or so with this character, I seriously began to contemplate the merits of a female-only society—thoughts I quickly abandoned when I remembered his female co-stars. The film would have gone a long way towards making amends if, in a surprise ending, Bobby was eviscerated by an enraged horde of mutated angler fish, but alas, no such luck.
Allow me to highlight just one of Bobby’s “hilarious” jokes:
Bobby (to the group): “What’s the difference between a blowjob and a ham sandwich?”
To which I replied to the screen: “A woman might actually give your goofy-ass a ham sandwich?”
While my response was admittedly, fantastically witty, it wasn’t the the correct answer. Bobby’s brilliant punchline was as follows:
Bobby: “Let’s have dinner tonight and I’ll show you!”
I know what you’re thinking. How have his friends resisted the urge to strike this dope with a heavy object and throw him overboard? Well, I’m afraid the answer is beyond me. Instead of rolling their eyes in disgust and searching for the nearest sharp object with which to injure him, the rest of the group inexplicably bursts out in a fit of laughter. Yup, I hate these people.
This is one of those rare films in which I can find absolutely no redeeming qualities. The direction is, at its very best, confusing. The dialog ranges from offensive and stupid to just stupid. The acting is beyond brutal to begin with and when it’s coupled with the equally dreadful dub, the resulting mess is truly something to behold. And the special effects, well, if you can’t say anything nice…
At the height of my rage against this movie, I made the mistake of watching the interview with director Al Passeri, which was included on the Shriek Show DVD. Instead of confirming my suspicions that Mr. Passeri was indeed an evil troll who took obscene delight in kicking puppies, stealing little girls’ dollies, and foisting truly horrible and offensive movies upon unsuspecting viewers such as myself, Mr. Passeri seemed to be a genuinely sweet man who simply loves making silly, over-the-top horror movies. In light of this fact, I have toned down my level of personal vitriol a bit. If you don’t believe me, you should have seen the original draft. Trust me, it was pretty harsh.
Reviewed by Derek Miller
Posted May 23, 2008
In this clip we see Mike freak out on some dead fish. Mike’s kind of a spaz…