Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding

2003 | Color | 98 min.

Starring: David Hasselhoff, Pamela Anderson, Michael Bergin, Yasmine Bleeth, Angelica Bridges, Nicole Eggert, Carmen Electra (Mmm…), Jeremy Jackson, Stacy Kamano, Jason Momoa, John Allen Nelson, Gena Lee Nolin, Brande Roderick, Billy Warlock, Alexandra Paul, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, and (the real stars) the firm, finely-tanned buttocks of many an uncredited, female extra.

Directed By: Douglas Schwartz

When watching a reunion movie based on a television series, it usually pays to be somewhat familiar with the history and characters of the series upon which that movie was based. Sadly, I’m afraid I must plead ignorance when it comes to the finer points of the multifaceted and nuanced storyline that was the Baywatch saga. It’s not that I wasn’t aware of the show, because I definitely was. Let’s just say, being a heterosexual, teenage male at the peak of Baywatch’s popularity, the show featuring an hour of beautiful, scantily-clad women, running around a beach in wonderful slow motion was certainly on my radar. Problem is, after one watches a barrage of buxom beauties, blissfully bounding across the beach, their blindingly banal banter becomes a bit bothersome to bear.

Be warned, a bouncing bevy of big-breasted babes typically begets befuddlement.

Here. We all know this is what you came to see, anyway.

Absurd alliteration aside (Uh-oh, here I go again…), Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding’s plot is so laughably silly (and frankly, superfluous to the main reason anyone should watch this movie: The lovely Carmen Electra), I think a familiarity with Baywatch’s storyline would only prove to be a hindrance to the viewer—likely raising even more questions and revealing even more plot holes than than those which are already obvious to the uninitiated viewer, such as myself.

“Look, everyone else has gotten a ride, now I want one too!”

If I may attempt to give a quick rundown of the plot: Mason Sato (Tagawa), still holding a grudge from a previous encounter which led to his prison sentence (I gleaned that entirely through a helpful flashback), decides to crash Mitch Buchannon’s (The Hoff!) wedding by systematically kidnapping his friends and family in an attempt to exact revenge on his perpetually-shirtless nemesis. Of course it’s up to The Hoff to thwart Sato and save his friends before it’s too late. Now, I won’t ruin the hilariously-convoluted “revelation” which kicks the third act into gear, but I will say that Alexandra Paul does co-star in this movie, despite the fact that the character she portrayed on the television series is still very much dead (a fact I also gleaned through flashback).

“Whoa. According to this, we were both really wrong about Sex Wax…”

On a somewhat related note, I have always felt kinda bad for Alexandra Paul. She is an attractive woman with an amazing body, who had the great misfortune of sharing the majority of her screen time on the Baywatch series with absolutely stunning women such as Nicole Eggert, Donna D’erico, and in this film, Carmen Electra. Honestly it’s amazing she escaped her tenure on Baywatch without some sort of serious psychological complex. So here’s to you, Ms. Paul. Your fish sticks are delicious…oh wait.

It’s easy to achieve a state of clear when your mind’s default state is empty.

The rest of Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding consists mainly of padding, and that is not a reference to the leading ladies bikini tops. Montages and flashbacks make up the majority of the running time, followed closely by some no-so-subtle product placements. Over the course of this movie you will learn why you should book your vacations with Travelocity; use the horrendously-named Spwipes suntan wipes whenever you go to the beach; why you should put Red Hot brand hot sauce on every damn thing you ingest; and that women everywhere should read FHM to find out what men really think. (A note to women everywhere: Don’t do this. Unless of course, you are looking to land yourself a rock-stupid, barely-literate man, then by all means…) Frankly, there’s so much product placement during this thing, the fact this once aired on television with additional commercials seems more than a little greedy on the part of the producers.

Apparently the legal text on the Spwipe packaging is absolutely fascinating.

Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding features most of your favorites from the Baywatch TV series, David Hasselhoff, Alexandra Paul, Jeremy Jackson, Yasmine Bleeth, Gena Lee Nolin, Nicole Eggert (Derek like…), and Carmen Electra (Derek like…a lot.) all make their return, as well as a mostly silicone version of the once-stunning Pamela Anderson. In fact, until I saw her introductory flashback, I had forgotten just how strikingly beautiful she was in her younger days. Still, truth be told, even at her best, Pamela Anderson couldn’t hold a candle to my girl, Carmen.

Hmm, I’m not doing a very good job of maintaining my journalistic integrity and objectivity in regards to Ms. Electra, am I? Oh well, she’s a hometown girl and I love her. And I don’t care who knows it.

“What the hell do you mean, ‘Can we just ditch the blonde chick?’”

Back to the film, such as it is, if you are looking to Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding for anything more than a hour and a half of mindless cheesecake, you will be sadly disappointed. Like I wrote earlier, this movie is little more than an extended infomercial, masquerading as a reunion of the long-running television series. If you simply feel like resting your brain for a bit to enjoy some eye candy, tits the best movie—err, I mean it’s the breast movie, uh…Ah, you know what? Screw it…

Yay, Carmen Electra!