Aka: Untouchable Glory, Untouchable Ninja, Ninja Untouchables, Ninja Unwatchables…Okay, I made that last one up.
1988 | Color | 85 min
Starring: Pierre Kirby, Patrick Frbezar, Rafael Martinee, Timothy MacDonell, Renato Sala, John Whitney, Robert Zwanziger, Bruce Smith, Robert Weber, Nello Nayo, Bella Flores, Teddy Benavidez, Jose Garcia, Divina Valencia, Ronnel Galvez, and Martin Marfil.
Directed By: Philip Ko
Most people think they have a pretty good handle on what a bad movie is. Sure, they’ve probably seen a few classics like Plan 9 From Outer Space and Robot Monster. Maybe they own a Mystery Science Theater 3000 box set or two. Hell, they might have even made it through an entire Adam Sandler movie once. Still, most people have no idea of how truly awful a movie can be. You see, most people have never seen a Joseph Lai production.
Joseph Lai, along with his former partner in crime, Godfrey Ho, are responsible for some of the most egregious cinematic crimes ever perpetrated. Using obscure Asian films as a base, they would add scenes featuring Caucasian actors (usually in ninja get-up), concoct a very loose story-line, and then re-dub the entire mess into English. As you would expect, the resulting film would generally be an incoherent, disjointed, and thoroughly confusing affair.
I sense trouble ahead….
American Force 2 is certainly no exception. The main portion of the film seems to have been taken from an old Filipino action film. To this film they spliced in new footage and a Russian invasion storyline. The end result is the rather unconvincing tale of The Untouchables, an elite underground resistance force fighting to stop the Russians and their plan to build a missile base on their land. My description of an “elite fighting force” is somewhat undermined by the fact that The Untouchables seem to consist largely of teenage girls and overweight men. To aid this motley crew in their fight, the United States has sent an elite fighting force of their own. In fact, the force is so elite that in consists entirely of one man, Brain O’Reily.
Brian, accompanied by his trusted friend, The White Tiger (I’m not making this up), quickly starts taking out the Russians’ top operatives. The Russians don’t take this lying down, however. The brilliant General Karpov has plans for Mr. O’Reily. The following exchange between General Karpov and his best man, Hugo, should give you some idea of the General’s amazing military prowess.
Gen. Karpov: (Speaking about Brian O’Reily) “That one man can do more damage alone than twenty men together. Simply put, he’s the best!”
Hugo: “We have to get rid of him then.”
Gen. Karpov: “Good idea. Of course we have to get rid of him, idiot! Hugo.”
Hugo: “Yes sir?”
Gen. Karpov: “Arrange it.”
Hugo: “No problem.”
Allow me to rephrase this scene the way I hear it:
Gen. Karpov: “Brain O’Reily is an unstoppable killing machine. He could bench press a Mac truck while walking through a minefield on stilts. He could kill you like a small dog and I heard that he counted to infinity…twice! Hugo, go kill him.”
Hugo: “Can do!”
“Mr. Trump, I thought we told you not to call here anymore. Yes sir, I know you are big time…”
You probably won’t be terribly surprised to discover that our friend Hugo doesn’t survive his encounter with Mr. O’Reily. After the, as it turns out, less than “untouchable” Untouchables are killed off by the suspiciously Filipino-looking Russians, Brian and White Tiger catch up with General Karpov and his men. O’Reily makes short work of them and thus the Russian invasion is thwarted. No doubt the most embarrassing defeat for the Russians since Red Dawn. Still, in that film they were up against the likes of Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen. In this movie they were up against some dude named Brian, a fact which just makes this particular loss all the more embarrassing.
As far as Joseph Lai/Godfrey Ho movies go, American Force 2 is a fairly dull affair. Much like another Lai/Ho production reviewed here, Catman in Lethal Track, the added scenes featuring the Caucasian actors are by far the most entertaining. A fully fleshed out film featuring Brian O’Reily going against General Karpov and his men would likely have been a very entertaining, albeit completely goofy, movie. Sadly the older footage that makes up the majority of the film is very slow and drags to the point of being mind-numbingly boring.
Behold. The Untouchables.
If you consider yourself a fan of bad movies but have never seen a Joseph Lai/Godfrey Ho film, I highly recommend that you do so as soon as possible. That being said, I would suggest you skip this particular film and instead seek out one of the seemingly infinite number of “ninja” movies featuring (most, according to him, without his consent) poor Richard Harrison. Just grab one of those giant 50 kung fu/martial arts movie packs and you are bound to land yourself a few of ’em.
Brian O’Reily: Professional Exterminator
Reviewed by Derek “White Tiger” Miller
Originally posted on 5/5/08
Video Clip – The introduction of Brian O’Reily and his trusty sidekick, The White Tiger.
- Posted under: 80s, Godfrey Ho, IFD Films
