Attack of the 50 ft. What!?!

I must warn you that the following article is more than a little crass and completely immature. If you prefer your humor high class and refined, you will surely be offended by what you are about to read. If you don’t giggle at words like titmouse, rectory, and ballcock this probably isn’t for you.

There, I warned you and I apologize for nothing…

A while back I stumbled upon a game being played on a somewhat popular movie forum. The game involved taking the title of a movie and replacing one of the words in the title with the word “penis.” Participants would take turns trying to come up with the most hilarious example they could find. Admittedly a very immature and silly waste of time, but I couldn’t help but be amused by some of the results. Gems like Penis of Arabia, A Penis Named Desire, and A Clockwork Penis made me laugh far more than any reasonable adult should have.

Of course this game works quite well with many sci-fi and cult films due to their already ridiculous titles. The Amazing Colossal Man, Attack of the 50 ft. Woman, The Giant Gila Monster all work pretty well, but are far too obvious for my taste. For my own entertainment (and hopefully yours, as well) I have complied a list of a few of my favorite re-worked titles:

Magnificent Butcher: Sammo Hung’s classic kung-fu flick works equally well with either word being replaced, with “Magnificent Penis” sounding like a lost John Waters film, and “Penis Butcher,” being one of the most terrifying titles I have ever heard. The less said about other Sammo Hung films like Deep Thrust, Bloody Ring, and Iron Fisted Monk, the better.

Hey, how about that? With this topic I somehow resisted the urge to make a joke about Sammo’s last name being “Hung.” Oh, oops…nevermind.

Almost any Bela Lugosi movie: The Corpse Vanishes, Bride of the Monster, White Zombie, Spooks Run Wild, they are all perfect. My personal favorite being Son of Frankenstein. All shall cower in fear before the Penis of Frankenstein!

Bruce Campbell Vs. The Army of Darkness: Oh sure “Army of Penis” is pretty good, but I prefer the vastly superior title “Bruce Campbell Vs. The Penis of Darkness.” I imagine a blaxploitation angle complete with a theme song by Issac Hayes, Pam Grier as Campbell’s love interest, and Fred Williamson as the titular “Penis of Darkness.” You have no idea how long I have wanted to use the words “titular” and “penis” in the same sentence…

Giant monster movies: These are a little too easy with their Godzilla Vs. X format. I think the best one would be the virtually unknown Joseph Lai/IFD films release, Thunder of Gigantic Serpent. Replace any word you wish, it’s still pretty funny.

Big Trouble in Little China: The jokes write themselves for this one…

I Accuse My Parents: This 1940’s morality tale would probably be all but forgotten if it wasn’t the target of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew. That doesn’t change the fact that this film has an almost perfect title for this game. I mean what man hasn’t at one time or another uttered the phrase, “I Accuse My Penis?”

The Incredible Petrified World: No comment. Consult your doctor if it lasts longer than four hours though.

Angry Red Planet: Okay, the previous examples are all pretty good, but the ultimate example should be one where every word in the title can be replaced and still produce an hilarious result. Angry Red Planet is that title.

First you have what I consider to be the weakest of the three titles, “Penis-Red Planet.” Of course, for this title to even work one must consider “penis-red” to be an adjective modifying “planet.” I standby the assertion that “penis-red” is a color, albeit one you probably won’t find in a box of Crayolas anytime soon.

I can just imagine, “Mom, I’m coloring a fire truck and I can’t find my Torch Red!” Naturally she would respond, “Oh honey, just use the Penis-Red instead.”

Despite how you may feel about the validity of “penis-red” as a color, I bet you’ll have a hard time thinking about the planet Mars (The Red Planet) the same way ever again.

Secondly we have the somewhat frightening title “Angry Penis Planet” I won’t delve too deeply into this one as it conjures up all sorts of horrific imagery and I am sure it is most likely already the title of a porno anyway. If it isn’t, it should be.

That brings us to the final, and perhaps my favorite version of this title, “Angry Red Penis.” I am picturing some sort of Native American themed horror film, starring Lou Diamond Phillips as Wadoe, a Cherokee Indian on an unstoppable quest for revenge after he is cursed by an evil shaman to forever roam the Earth as a murderous, 6 ft. tall tallywacker. The tagline? “This Summer, the penis whacks you!”



Written by Derek “Penis-Red” Miller
Originally posted February 28, 2010


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