“Joint locks don’t work on an invertebrate. They’re too slippery.”
Japanese title: Ika Resuraa
2004 Color 86min
Starring: Akira, Kana Ishida, Osamu Nishimura, Eiichi Kikuchi, Hirohisa Nakada, Lou Ooshiba.
Directed by: Minoru Kawasaki
You know, some movies are just weird. Very
weird. So weird that they make you question your very sanity. The
Calamari Wrestler is one of those movies. It is so weird that I’m not
even sure how to describe it. Maybe this screenshot will help…
It’s true. There’s nothing like the love between a girl and her squid… That’s a pretty weird screenshot, right? Now
imagine an hour and a half of that. That’s what this movie is like.
From beginning to end I sat it a state of shock. There wasn’t a moment
while watching this film where I wasn’t either laughing hysterically,
or staring at the screen in complete befuddlement.
I happened to stumble across the DVD at my
local Best Buy. The moment that I saw the box art I knew I had to buy
it (I also came across a copy of Star Wars - Ewok Adventures, so be
prepared for that review in the near future). It really must be said,
that a shot of a pro wrestler receiving a head butt from a giant squid
really draws you in. Kudos to the art department at Pathfinder
Pictures. However, as good as the packaging is, it really pales in
comparison to the movie contained within…
The Calamari Wrestler opens at a wrestling
match (I have to point out that in all of the wide shots of the arena,
the wrestlers are obviously action figures being tossed around a toy
ring. Why they didn’t just use some stock footage, I have no idea).
Koji Taguchi in fighting in his first title match. Eventually he
defeats his opponent with his patented finisher, “The reverse-inverted
full nelson” (Yes, I believe that it is probably just as painful as it
sounds). With the win, Koji becomes the IMGP champion. However, he is
interrupted during his celebration when someone steals his newly
acquired belt. We pan over to see that his belt was stolen by, as you
would expect, a giant squid in wrestling boots.
Yep, a giant squid. Look, I tried to tell you
that this one was a little strange, didn’t I? Of course this occurrence
does raise several questions. Like, didn’t anyone notice a big old
squid on his way to the ring? How is he breathing out of water? How did
he learn to walk? And the most important question, how did he lace up
his boots with no hands?
Despite my many questions, the fact remains
that a giant squid has stolen Mr. Taguchi’s newly won title belt. Of
course he doesn’t take this well and attacks the squid. The two
exchange blows until Koji manages to apply his devastating
reverse-inverted full nelson on the hapless squid. Unfortunately for
Koji, the squid manages to slip out of his grasp and goes back on the
offensive (As the announcer so helpfully points out, joint locks are
useless on squids…Yup, weird movie). He nails Koji with a couple head
butts before finishing him off with a Northern Lights Suplex. With no
referee around, the squid takes it upon himself to administer the 3
count and declare himself the winner.
“I once caught a fish thiiis big…”Koji’s girlfriend, Miyako (Played by Kana
Ishida, who is as cute as a bug’s ear, by the way), was watching this
whole scenario in the audience. When she saw the squid perform the
Northern Lights Suplex she is reminded of another wrestler, and she
utters the name Kan-ichi. With that, the opening credits roll. During
these credits we are treated to a cool, James Bond-esque theme song and
a bunch of footage of squids. The chorus of the song, “Ika! Ika! Ika!
Ika! Desu ka? Hai! Hai!” roughly translates to, with my limited
Japanese skills, “Squid! Squid! Squid! Squid! Is it a squid? Yes! Yes!”
How can you not love that?
After the credits we join the head of the
Super Japan Pro Wrestling (At least, I assume he is in charge. We are
never really told what he does. In fact, I don’t ever remember getting
a name. I’m going to refer to him as “The Boss“) in his office. He is
infuriated at the incident involving his champion. His aid, Furuma,
tries to convince him that because of all of the press attention they
received due to the incident, he should push for a rematch between Koji
and the unnamed squid. Why not? I’ve certainly seen worse stuff go on
in a wrestling ring in my lifetime. He is reluctant at first. He
doesn’t want his champion to lose his belt to a squid. Furuma assures
him that it would be a huge boost for the struggling wrestling outfit,
and if they convince the squid to throw the bout, it would bring tons
of money and attention to the promotion without hurting the legitimacy
of their title belt. Eventually “The Boss” agrees and they decide to
find the squid.
We then cut to two reporters who were covering
the match from the night before. Apparently, the squid’s wrestling
style reminded them of Kan-Ichi as well. The reporter tells us that 3
years ago Kan-Ichi used to be a rising star in the federation until a
terminal illness forced him to retire. After that he was never heard
from again. As the top 2 young stars in the promotion Kan-Ichi and Koji
were natural rivals. With Kan-Ichi’s departure, Koji became the top
young star of the federation.
They make their way to the local temple, where
the wrestling squid is meditating. He is having impure thoughts until a
“helpful” monk whacks him on the head with a bit of wood. Just then the
reporters show up and request an interview with the squid.
Boy, we’ve all been there, huh? Meanwhile Koji is having nightmares about the
match. He is suplexed by the squid, but when he looks up at the squid
he sees Kan-Ichi’s face instead. He wakes up and Miyako asks him if
anything is wrong (He is in bed with her, and he is sleeping? Something
is definitely wrong, if you ask me). He tells her that it was just a
dream and that he will be fine.
We next see the couple at a restaurant where
they are dining with Miyako’s father. He tells Koji he believes that he
can bring back the glory days of Japanese wrestling. Like the days of
Godozan. Miyako quickly becomes annoyed with her father, as they were
supposed to be discussing Koji and her wedding plans. Miyako’s father
reminds Koji that he said they would be married after he obtained the
championship. Koji insists that he cannot be married because his title
isn’t legitimate since he was defeated by the squid. He will marry
Miyako after he defeats the squid in a rematch and reclaims his belt.
Back at the temple the reporters are
interviewing the squid. Yes, he can talk. Of course he can talk. Would
you expect anything else? Of all the questions that they could’ve
asked, the first thing that pops into their head is, “Mr. Calamari,
what kind of foods do you like?”
That’s it? That’s your question? Really? What
kind of foods do you like??? Not even my poignant question about tying
his shoes? You ask about his diet? Alright, I guess…
“Are you there God? It’s me, Calamari…” Anyway, Mr. Calamari (as they’ve taken to
calling him) tells them that there is nothing that he won’t eat (Isn’t
that true of all Japanese people? HA HA!!! Ba-zinngg!!!). Mr. Calamari
does tell them that he particularly enjoys red bean rice cakes,
especially the ones with citrus dumplings. When Miyako reads this in
the paper, she realizes that red bean rice cakes and citrus dumplings
were Kan-Ichi’s favorites, also (Okay, we get it. The squid is, or was,
Kan-Ichi. You can move on now).
After the interview, Miyako gets a knock at
the door. It turns out to be Mr. Calamari. Miyako, naturally, freaks
out and refuses to let Mr. Calamari in. She eventually remembers the
connection between Calamari and Kan-Ichi and she opens the door. She
asks him if he is Kan-Ichi. Mr. Calamari tells her that Kan-Ichi is
dead, and then leaves.
“While you’re out, would you mind picking up some tampons?” Koji comes home just in time to see Mr.
Calamari get off of the elevator (that by the way, is one of the
“laughing hysterically” moments of the film). He rushes to Miyako and
asks if the squid was there (No honey, that was another giant, walking
squid). She doesn’t answer him, but asks him to hold her instead. Not
what he was asking, but I’m sure that it was acceptable nonetheless.
Back at Super Japan Pro Wrestling’s
headquarters, “The Boss” is trying to convince Mr. Calamari to lose to
Koji in a rematch. He tells him of the affect that Godozan had on Japan
after WWII. How the Japanese people wanted to see a Japanese wrestler
prevail over the hated Americans (Hated Americans? Nobody hates us…do
they?). He says that will be the blueprint they will use for this new
angle. They will play Mr. Calamari off as the evil invader, and Koji as
the pure Japanese spirit defending the homeland and its people. He says
that Mr. Calamari is the perfect embodiment of the worries of the
Japanese people today. Terrorism, sickness, the economy, an aging
society, and rising violence. As a monster he could embody all of those
things. By seeing him defeated, their anxiety would turn to hope (I
think that he might be giving pro wrestling a little too much credit).
Mr. Calamari refuses to go along with the plan. He says that he wants
to be loved, and people will love him if he wins. “The Boss” is
infuriated and bans him from Super Japan Pro Wrestling’s rings. Mr.
Calamari snaps and attacks “The Boss“. He eventually has to be pulled
off and restrained by his trainer, Master Senzan.
At Super Japan Pro Wrestling’s training
facility, Koji tries to convince Furuma to give him a rematch against
the Calamari Wrestler. He is infuriated that Super Japan Pro Wrestling
would purposefully keep a talent like Mr. Calamari out of the ring, and
simultaneously deny him his chance at revenge. Furuma tells him that
the Calamari Wrestler will soon be forgotten (Who is going to forget a
giant wrestling squid? Especially one who defeated the champion of
Super Japan Pro Wrestling), and that he should know his role and keep
his mouth shut (“If ya smelllllalalallalalaaa…. What The Rock…is
cooking.” Sorry, I couldn’t help myself).
“You want to make a movie about what?!?” We then cut to a seafood stand where a clerk
is drooling over the morning newspaper. He is admiring the fine
coloration of Mr. Calamari. This begins a running joke throughout the
movie where this guy wants to eat Mr. Calamari. Just then, in what has
to be the ultimate nightmare for a seafood vendor, the giant wrestling
squid shows up. This scares the living Hell out of the clerk, for
obvious reasons. Luckily for him, all that Mr. Calamari wanted was some
sardines. With his shopping completed, Mr. Calamari goes about his
business, and I hit pause and try to pick myself up off of the floor.
Afterwards we join Koji and Miyako at her
apartment. Koji is pounding down dried squid like it’s going out of
style. He seems to be a little drunk and begins peppering Miyako with
questions. He accuses her of still being in love with Kan-Ichi. She
denies it and tells him that the Calamari Wrestler isn’t Kan-Ichi
anyway, so he should quit worrying. This doesn’t satisfy him and he
keeps badgering her until he hits her with the question, “Who was
better in bed, me or Kan-Ichi?” Personally, I’m gonna guess Kan-Ichi,
what with all of the arms and no bone structure to get in the way. She
slaps him upside his head, and begins crying while Koji leaves the
apartment laughing like an idiot. I don’t know. Koji is starting to
lose me as the hero…GO SQUID BOY!!!
While all of this is happening, every major
fighting league in Japan has been trying to sign Mr. Calamari after
hearing the news about his banishment from Super Japan Pro Wrestling.
Nobody is having any luck, however, because of Mr. Calamari’s strong
passion for pro wrestling. He wants a real match with Koji.
Back at the temple Calamari is having dreams
about Miyako again. He wakes up in a cold sweat (Can squid sweat?).
Master Senzan checks in on him and asks Calamari to do him a favor. He
taking a bath and needs someone to scrub his back. This must not be an
odd request in Japan, as Calamari follows him and gets right to
scrubbing. While he is scrubbing away, Senzan warns him that he
shouldn’t give in to his desires. He reminds him that the moment he
does, his sickness will return (In case you haven’t figured it out yet.
Calamari is Kan-Ichi. Man, you are slow…).
The next day Miyako decides to follow Calamari
around. She finds him playing with some kids in the park (I think that
he is trying to eat the little guy, but he can’t quite position him
close enough to his beak to finish him off). Calamari notices her there
but she runs away before he can recognize her.
Later, she meets up with her sister at the bar
(At least I think it is her sister. You never really know, as the
Japanese have a custom of referring to close friends as “Brother” or
“Sister” when they have absolutely no relation to one another). Her
sister, instead of telling her what a complete goober she is for
falling in love with a pro wrestling squid, actually encourages her to
pursue him. Miyako has some reservations about Calamari, however. Like
the fact that he was banned from pro wrestling. How is he going to
support them without wrestling? Oh yeah, and he’s a friggin’ squid!
“I’m huge!” Continuing her stalking, Miyako follows him
the next day as he is shopping. Later that evening, she finally
confronts him and asks why he disappeared three years ago. She berates
him for a while until they finally embrace (Awwww…I’ve lost my mind…).
All is forgiven, and in another one of those, “What the Hell is going
on?” moments, the two go skipping around the park, hand-in-hand…err,
hand-in-tentacle…yeah, that’s sounds better.
Back at Super Japan Pro Wrestling’s
headquarters, Miyako’s father is trying to convince “The Boss” to let
the rematch between Koji and Calamari go ahead. He gives an epically
absurd speech about wrestling, Japan, squids, and world peace, before
finally convincing “The Boss” that the match would be good for the
future Super Japan Pro Wrestling, and wouldn’t tarnish the legacy of
Godozan.
The match causes quite a buzz around Japan.
Everyone is talking about it and trying to get any scoop on the
training of either combatant. At Super Japan Pro Wrestling’s facility,
Koji is training against 5 men to simulate the ten arms of Calamari
(That’s a great title for a movie, right? “The Ten Arms of Calamari,
starring Lou Diamond Phillips. Rated R…”). Koji is getting his butt
kicked when Calamari’s trainer, Senzan, walks in and tells Koji that he
will never defeat Calamari without his help. He leaves him a plane
ticket and tells Koji to meet him in Hunza, Pakistan.
Meanwhile at Miyako’s place, they are having a little pre-fight celebration. Things are going smoothly, until Miyako goes off to the kitchen to make a salad for dinner. Calamari is unable to control his disgusting squid urges and hops on her like Rosie O’Donnell on a cupcake. We, thank God, are not shown the graphic details on what happens next, but I think that it is safe to assume that Miyako got herself some sweet cephalopod lovin’.
You know, the Japanese are a little odd… The next day, Miyako wakes up to find Calamari
on the floor next to the bed. Only it isn’t Calamari on the floor, it’s
Kan-Ichi in his human form. Giving in to temptation has brought back
his human form, and unfortunately the illness that goes along with it.
They quickly rush him to the temple for treatment. The monks soon begin
to administer the ritual to turn him back into a squid, but Kan-Ichi
passes out almost immediately. The priest tells him that he must endure
the rite of 365 points and become a creature of the sea if he wishes to
live and wrestle again (Why did he pick the squid? Why not an
anglerfish, or a sea cucumber). Kan-Ichi agrees and they begin the
ritual again. Just as Kan-Ichi is about to give up, he sees Miyako in
his thoughts, praying for him. This gives him the strength to finish
the ritual.
With The Calamari Wrestler back to his old
self, and Koji back from Pakistan, the match is set to begin. With
people around Japan watching, Calamari makes his way to the ring. The
tension builds as everyone awaits Koji’s entrance. Koji enters and to
everyone’s surprise, the champion is now an octopus! Thus begins the
oddest match in wrestling history. The two squishy adversaries go toe
to toe in the beginning, but Calamari gains the advantage with a flurry
of tentacle slaps to the noggin. Calamari then puts Octo-Koji in some
sort of weird-ass sleeper hold. But Koji is able to counter. Octo-Koji
comes back with a flurry of tentacle punches of his own. He then slaps
a submission hold on Calamari. Just as it seems that Calamari will be
defeated, he manages to break free. He hits Octo-Koji with a couple of
suplexes before throwing him to the ropes. As Octo-Koji rebounds off of
the ropes, Calamari, as you have probably been waiting for (I know I
was), makes “inkies” all over the confused Octopus. With his opponent
blinded, Calamari quickly capitalizes on his advantage and pins
Octo-Koji for the win. Best…match…ever…
An Octopus wrestler…Now they’re just being silly. After his victory, Calamari has an epic
“Rocky” moment where he screams Miyako’s name over and over (Think:
“Adriaaaaaanne!!!”). Miyako is even wearing the red beret and
everything. The two embrace in the middle of the ring and the peasants
rejoice (Huzzah!). Miyako’s father looks on with a big smile and states
“Pro wrestling. It’s back.”
Apparently he was correct, because now
everywhere you look there are Calamari and Octopus wrestler
merchandise. Magazines, action figures, even cups of Calamari Vs.
Octopus instant noodle soup. Squid ink soup with octopus meat…mmm
delicious. Calamari even gets to star in his own cheesy soft drink
commercial featuring hot Japanese bikini girls. See, being a famous pro
wrestling squid does have its perks after all.
“Calamari Cola: If it’s good enough for a slimy, disgusting cephalopod like myself, isn’t it good enough for you too?” So, The Calamari Wrestler defeated his
archrival, Octo-Koji, and won the IMGP title. Normally, this would end
a movie, but not this movie. We still have a whole other character to
introduce, and one more epic battle to fight. Well, no sense talking
about it, let’s get on with the show.
We next see Miyako waiting at a diner for
Kan-Ichi. He shows up wearing a disguise, so as not to be noticed. What
disguise could he possibly wear you ask? Why sunglasses, of course.
Eventually, he is recognized (I know. How could they possibly have seen
through his disguise?) and mobbed by young girls wanting autographs. So
they leave the diner and go shopping. A few moments later, every one of
Calamari’s arms are full of shopping bags. Miyako apparently likes to
shop. Everything seems to be going fine until Kan-Ichi is jumped by a
giant shrimp-man wearing a boxing glove (Yeah, you read that correctly.
A giant shrimp-man wearing a boxing glove). He proceeds to beat the
snot out of the helpless Calamari. He calls himself the “Squilla boxer”
and declares himself to be the strongest fighter in the world.
Satisfied with his accomplishment, he quickly buggers off. And yes,
that scene was just as insane as it sounds, if not more.
Sometimes it just doesn’t pay to have ten arms. The press quickly gets word of Squilla’s attack
on Calamari and a match is quickly put together between the cranky
crustacean and the savvy cephalopod (Alliteration is fun). They dub the
fight, “The Squid Vs. Squilla New Year’s Eve Seafood Smackdown” (“Only
$49.95, and only on Pay-Per-View!!!“). The experts (The invertebrate
wrestling experts, I suppose) believe that Squilla, because of his hard
shell and superior boxing ability, will be a tough match for Calamari.
Because he doesn’t want Kan-Ichi killed before he has a chance to
defeat him in the ring, Koji decides to help Kan-Ichi train for the
match.
After a hard day of training, Calamari and
Miyako return home to find Senzan waiting for them. It seems that he
has switched sides yet again, and is now with Squilla. This infuriates
Kan-Ichi and he begins to train even harder. Weightlifting, running,
sit-ups, push-ups, you name it. He even breaks out one of those
stair-stepper thingies (Which is truly a sight to behold).
“10 minutes a day, 3 times a week, my ass!!!” Even after all of his training, Kan-Ichi is
starting to have second thoughts about the match. He feels that all
that the fans want to see is blood. They just want to see one of them
die in the ring. Because they are his fans, he feels obligated to give
them what they want. Miyako assures him that not all of the fans are
like that, and that all she wants him to do is come back home safely
because she wants to have his children. I know…try not to think too
much about it. You’ll start to feel ill.
The day of the big match arrives and the two
combatants are making final preparations for the match. Calamari is
preparing by meditating in his locker room, while Squilla, on the other
hand, prepares by punching out an unfortunate ringside reporter who
happens to wander into his locker room. To each his own, I guess.
Finally match time rolls around and (After
Squilla punches out one of the ring girls) Calamari begins by jumping
out and ducking under the ring. He soon emerges on the opposite side of
the ring and tries to avoid Squilla’s lethal punches by getting behind
him. Squilla sees him however and gains a quick advantage by wailing on
him with a flurry of punches. The filmmakers speed up this part of the
film to make it look like the punches are landing much faster than they
actually are, but it all just ends up looking like a bad Benny Hill
sketch. Maybe that’s what they were going for. With this movie, you
really can’t be sure. With the severe pummeling that he is taking,
Kan-Ichi once again looses control of his human desires and becomes
afraid. Once that happens he falls to the mat and turns back into a
human. Koji quickly intervenes and tries to end the match, but Squilla,
as he likes to do, punches Koji out of the ring.
Actual audience reaction to The Calamari Wrestler. Kan-Ichi refuses to end the fight and insists
that they continue. After the restart, he immediately locks Squilla up
in a Cobra Twist, but Squilla is able to counter with a hip toss.
Undeterred, Kan-Ichi administers a spinning ankle lock, but once again
Squilla is able to counter. Squilla responds by bounding off of the
ropes and landing a vicious uppercut on Kan-Ichi. It looks like it is
all over for our former squid hero when, in a truly Hulk Hogan-esque
moment, Kan-Ichi draws strength from the crowd, who have begun chanting
his name. Not unlike my mustachioed childhood hero, Kan-Ichi begins to
“Hulk-out” on Squilla. He blocks Squilla’s next punch and rips his
right arm off. He then grabs the other arm and does the same (I guess
you would call that “A Farewell to Arms,” right? Ha Ha! I’m funny).
With his opponent in big trouble, Kan-Ichi climbs to the top rope and
delivers a “Megaton Meteor Kick” that drops Squilla for good.
Okay, Kan-Ichi has now defeated The Squilla
Boxer and defended his title; the movie should be over now, yes? Well,
no. Just when you think we’ve wrapped things up once and for all, the
defeated shrimp begins to hiss and smoke. Wouldn’t you know it, out of
the Squilla Boxer pops Godozan, the legendary Japanese wrestler who was
supposed to have died 40 years ago. It appears that he faked his death
and is in fact, Senzan, Calamari’s original trainer. He then drops
another bomb. He is Kan-Ichi and Koji’s father.
Somebody didn’t get the “no shirt” memo… The three men break down crying and have a
giant Japanese group hug freak out. The announcers deem this to be the
greatest match in the last 50 years of pro wrestling (That is a sad
statement) and declare this to be the dawn of a new era of pro
wrestling, an era that will live on forever…and the peasants
rejoice…again. The End?
No, not the end. We fast-forward a while (Say
9 months or so) to see Miyako and Kan-Ichi playing with their newborn
baby, and as you probably already guessed, the baby is a squid. THE
END…And I mean it this time.
The End
Conclusion
I have seen a lot of odd movies, but I
think that this one may be a strong contender for oddest movie ever.
This movie is just so weird that I really don’t know how to accurately
summarize my feelings on it. It makes absolutely no sense from
beginning to end. It has an absolutely ludicrous plot, and the acting
is barley adequate, at best. My earlier statement of Kana Ishida’s
cuteness notwithstanding, she really couldn’t act her way out of a
paper bag. In fact, she is out acted by the squid suit in several
scenes.
Despite all of that, I really like this movie.
It has such an odd sense of sincerity to it. Everyone is just so damn
serious about their situations in this movie. The promoter really
believes that his wrestling promotion can change the fortunes of the
Japanese people. Kan-Ichi is so sincere in his love of wrestling that
he is willing to risk his life and turn himself into a squid to
continue to wrestle. Miyako is madly in love with a giant, wrestling
squid, and sees nothing wrong with it. God help me, even I found myself
rooting for Calamari when he went up against the dastardly Squilla
Boxer.
The cast and crew obviously had a blast while making this movie and it really shows onscreen. All you have to do is watch the behind the scenes footage to see how much fun they were having. They are constantly cracking up throughout the entire thing. The director actually had to instruct the crew not to laugh on several occasions, so they didn’t ruin his shots.
When it comes right down to it, this movie is
an absolute blast from start to finish. Sure, it makes little sense, is
horribly acted, and has some of the goofiest moments you will ever see
on film, but Kana Ishida is a cutie, so go buy it. Go buy it right
now!
...And remember, “Joint locks don’t work on an invertebrate. They’re too slippery.”
DVD Review
