I have recently found myself becoming more and more disillusioned with the state of politics here in the United States. Two equally repugnant parties sniping at one another, bickering like immature children; more concerned with their struggle for power than upholding the Constitution and protecting the individual liberties of their citizens. What's the answer to this problem, you ask? Well the answer is simple my friends. Wedgies.

Now I know what you are thinking. Wedgies? He can't be serious. Well, obviously I'm not suggesting we can solve all of the world's problems by wedgies alone, that is a ridiculous statement. Without question, the most complete strategy demands the occasional pink belly, Indian burn, and monkey scrub.

Not convinced? Well, hear me out for a moment. Have you ever considered all of the problems that can be solved with the proper application of a well-timed wedgie? Well of course you haven't, because you aren't the visionary that I am. I, however, have considered these things for a long time now and that is why today I am hereby founding the new philosophical and political movement of Wedgietarianism. I've even got a cool logo and everything, check it out.

The Official Wedgietarian Logo (Cool, huh?)

You are probably skeptical as to how Wedgietarianism applies to everyday situations. Well, think back to your days on the schoolyard. Remember that day at lunch when your so-called friend Johnny stole your last chicken nugget and ate it right in front of you. How did you go about rectifying that situation? Did you tell the teachers? Please, those guys were far too busy tossing back drinks in the teachers' lounge to be concerned about you or your piece of pilfered poultry.

Did you take little Johnny aside and tell him, in a reasonable tone, how much you were looking forward to savoring that last delicious morsel of crumb-coated chickeny goodness? Did you mention that you had saved that very nugget until the end on purpose, because of its enormous size and perfect texture; attributes that are quite rare indeed for the average school chicken nugget? Did you tell him every day since has been spent reliving that scenario over and over again in your head, each time wondering what you could have done differently? Did you tell him that his betrayal combined with the loss of that spectacular nugget scarred you deeply, causing you to never again be able to fully trust another human being?!? THAT WAS MY NUGGET JOHNNY!!! MAY YOU BURN IN THE FIREY PIT OF HELL, YOU HEARTLESS, NUGGET-STEALING SON OF A...

Sorry about that, I'm still working through some issues. Anyway, my point is you didn't do any of those things. What you did involved a couple of wet willies, a very satisfying pantsing in front of the cheerleaders, and two weeks of detention. You didn't realize it then, but you were following the basic tenets of Wedgietarianism even before I had shown the light on the wonderful ways of the wedgie.

So, now that I have shown how Wedgietarianism has always been with you personally, you may be wondering how the principles of Wedgietarianism can be applied on a larger stage, like foreign policy issues. Let's take a look at a few examples, shall we?

Suppose Kim Jong-Il gets his prodigious pompadour in a wad again and restarts his nuclear program. Simply reach across the bargaining table, grab those high quality Egyptian cotton tighty-whities of his and yank for the heavens. After spending the better part of an hour attempting to extract his underthings from what I like to call, “The Forbidden Zone,” that puny potentate will think twice before threatening the United States and her allies again. If nothing else it'll give him a whole new definition for the phrase, “Restricted Area.” Now let me be clear that I'm by no means advocating the use of atomic wedgies in this situation. However, to be an effective deterrent, the nuclear option must remain on the table at all times.

Iranian president and sometimes terrorist Mahmoud Ahma-ninja-wad-a-jod up to his old tricks again? Well, while others have employed a strategy of endless posturing and toothless threats, the Wedgietarian solution calls for a good purple nurple, or as our Mexican friends call it, “Un Nurple del Purpura.” Crude? Yes, but highly effective. The high-pitched girlish squeals known to arise from an expertly-delivered titty twister are legendary. Combine that fact with our already effeminate dictator and the resulting sound should be something akin to a Mariah Carey high note.

Even terrorist interrogations can be streamlined and made safer with Wedgietarianism. With waterboarding being so controversial, why not employ a good “danglespit” on suspected terrorists instead? You know, eat a few Snickers bars to get that elastic spit going, have someone hold down the suspect, and let the saliva slowly stretch closer and closer to their face, every second becoming more tense as your tenuous hold on the ever-lengthening strand of saliva gets weaker and weaker still. Then at the last possible moment, just as the suspect is about to get the full goober in his face, suck it back into your mouth. Man, they'll be talking in no time.

Remember when all other paths have failed, it's time for mild pain and humiliation. That is the way of the Wedgietarian. So go forth, my newfound friends, and spread the word of Wedgietarianism. Employ the many techniques of Wedgietarian justice whenever they are deserved. The noogie, Dutch rub, ruby booby, monkey scrub, Russian haircut, towel snap, wet willy, spitball, pantsing, Indian burn, hertz donut, flat tire, double jock lock, wedgie, melvin, swirly, pink belly, snuggie, snake bite, nipple cripple, pink elephants, and yes, even the dreaded rear admiral. These are all at your disposal in the pursuit of Wegdietarian justice.

So watch your hinder, those who seek to do evil in this world; for a Wedgietarian may be lurking in the shadows with a tube of toothpaste and a shoehorn, just waiting to exact painful and humiliating justice upon you. Remember, those who deserve, shall receive—and in Wedgietarianism it is much better to give than to receive.

-Derek Miller
6/25/08