So, it turns out that I'm an Indian. Yeah, who knew? I have been for about 3 months now. Well, I guess that I have technically been an
Indian my whole life, it's that I just found out 3 months ago. My
Great-Great Grandmother was a Cherokee (I think. I haven't done too
much research as of yet).
So what affect has my newfound native heritage had on my life?
Well, not much really, although, I am now personally offended by
certain sports mascots. A little piece of me dies each time I see the
Washington Redskins take the field; the Atlanta Braves and their
"Tomahawk Chop" hurt me deep inside; and I hate the Cleveland Indians
even more now. Strangely, my opinion on the Fighting Irish mascot
remains unchanged.
I am a little confused about a number of issues. The distinction
between "Indian," "Native American," and "American Indian" eludes me.
I'm not sure which ones are offensive and which ones aren't. Why
exactly am I offended by the Washington Redskins and the Florida State
Seminoles, when, if you have ever been on an Indian reservation, every
high school team has been dubbed something like, "The Braves" or "The
Warriors?" These things thoroughly confuse me, but I'm sure that it
will all become clear when I receive my first newsletter.
There are also a few things that I need to find out, however. Is it
now fair game for me to open a tacky trinket shop outside of
Gatlinburg, or do I have to wait through a probationary period, or
something? Am I entitled to a cut of the casino profits? (You knew that
joke was coming, didn't ya?) And, perhaps most importantly, how long do
I have to wait before I can tell off-color "Indian" jokes without
offending people? You know, because I'm an Indian, so I'm allowed.
These are things that I absolutely need to know.
There are a few things that I know I am entitled to, being 1/16
Native American. I know that I am now obligated to decorate my house in
the tackiest "Native" artwork known to man. I know that I now have to
get all worked up over every thing that may possibly shed a negative
light on "My People" (In fact, I think that I am offended by my own
article). I know that I now have a free pass to be a condescending prig
whenever anyone mentions Native Americans or the westward expansion of
the United States. I think that I am also now allowed to blame "whitey"
for all of my problems. I'm so happy.
Of course, none of those things above would apply if I were a full-blooded Native American. It seems that there is a direct correlation between the percentage of Native American blood you have, and your level of outrage over petty crap like this. The smaller your percentage, the more these little things are likely to offend you. The higher the percentage, the less you're level of offense. I'm not exactly sure why that is, but it is.
So, I'm a Native American, kind of. If you happen to find out one
day that you too are a Native American, let me be the first to say to
you, "How...do you do? Welcome to the tribe! Pull up a chair and pass
the firewater, Kemosabe. Let's T.P. the neighbor's teepee and smoke-em
peace pipe all night long!!!"
...And that should offend you no matter who you are. ***
*** Despite the fact that I have spent the majority of this piece
taking cheap shots at Native Americans (Actually, I have spent the
majority of this article taking cheap shots at people who are 1/64
Native American), I do find my newfound heritage pretty cool. And yes I
can see how the Redskins moniker could be offensive. I mean it would be
the equivalent of the Cincinnati "Honkies" or the New England
"Whiteys." Of course, I don't think that white people would have a big
problem with them. I mean, I'd totally go to a Cincinnati "Honkies"
game.
Big Zeke Hatfield - Honkies mascotI think that the abundance of Native American mascots should be
taken as they were intended to be, as a tribute to the people they
represent. The owners of these teams wouldn't have picked a mascot that
they disliked to represent their team. Team names are usually chosen to
show strength and intimidate your opponents, or to pay tribute to the
culture of the city in which the team is based (With the exception of
the Mighty Ducks.but that's another matter). What better to show
strength or pay tribute to a city's culture than the stoic Native
American chief?
All of that being said, this article should be taken as it was
written: as a tongue-in-cheek look at people taking themselves a little
too seriously. No offense was meant by anything that was written, and
none should be taken. Seriously, calm down. I'm a Native American, so
it's okay.
-Derek Miller
2/17/06
