Is it just me, or wasn’t a giant bulbous ass something that women used to be ashamed of? I’m almost certain that it was. I remember when I used hear women say things like, “Do these pants make my butt look big?,” and they didn’t want to hear a “yes” in response. It seems like I woke up one day and suddenly a prominent posterior was a desired thing to have.
It‘s me, right? When did this happen?
Now, I understand the, uh, appeal of say, Jennifer Lopez’s backside. I mean it’s firm, shapely, and attached to a rather attractive woman. Beyonce Knowles, also has a very fine, if very large, hind end. I am, however, baffled with the rumps in certain rap videos, for example. Some of these women’s hindquarters surely have their own gravitational pull. I don’t see the sex appeal of a thunderous, doughy backside quaking like an epileptic hog. I, personally, feel physically ill at the sight. But, despite my revulsion, there they are...Everywhere...Bouncing and strangely hypnotic.
And this phenomenon isn’t isolated to the rap community. Normal, everyday women are falling victim. 300lb women wearing pink spandex pants. Seemingly sane women wearing jeans that are cut lower than God ever intended. I propose that we mount a full rear assault, no pun intended (Well, maybe a little intended). We must put a stop this before it gets out of hand. It may already be out of control with it now being fashionable for women to show an inch or so of ass-crack. This must be a sign of the Apocalypse. I’ve been frantically searching the Nostradamus prophecies for clues on how to combat this, but I have had no luck. If we don’t stop this now who knows what horrors could be unleashed upon us. What if this upsetting trend catches on with men? Do you want to be responsible for turning every overweight plumber in America into a sex symbol? Do you really want to see John Madden doing Monday Night Football sporting 3 inches of his pasty-white, hairy crevice? I certainly don't.
It's true, we may have taken up the battle late, but it is a struggle that must be won. Maybe we could stage a bogus Fifty Cent (Or “Fiddy” as he is known to those of you who can actually stomach listening to his “music“) video shoot, and distract these women with a hotdog, or something. Then sneak up from the rear (again, no pun intended) and hit ‘em with a forced liposuction. I don’t know, I’m just throwing out ideas here people. Only together, can we put a stop to this gluteus madness (Pun intended...sorry). Join the fight people, or be obliterated by an odious onslaught of oversized buttocks.
-Derek Miller
11/25/05
